I Miss Being Me

Who am I now? Honestly after ten years of living with mesh Hell, I have no clue anymore, because nothing is the same and it never will be because 1/7th of my life has been changed and defined by the word MESH!

No one who has not gone through this can understand, but It is no different than being defined by the word cancer, or a serious accident.  Every single waking minute of my day and even when I sleep, I am controlled by the health issues I deal with, because of a mesh bladder sling.

I miss doing simple things. Walking pain free.   I used to take walking for granted and now I miss walking across the floor, without feeling like I will fall over and risk breaking a bone.

I miss having a car outside my door, where I could jump in it and drive wherever I decide to go and whenever I want to.

I miss going outside whenever I choose to, under my own steam. Sunshine on my face. Feeling the wind in my hair, without fear of falling over.

I miss taking my dog for a walk.

I miss walks outside. Never worrying about falling. Touching plants with my fingers. Feeling alive with nature.

I miss being the person who never once thought about infections.  Who was not concerned about getting one.  Now, if I miss taking supplements and herbs, I can feel the first sign.  I really miss being infection free.

I miss having a normal bladder without sudden agonizing bladder spasms, that I hide if someone else is around.

I miss being able to pee like I used to, like a normal person.

I miss life as I once knew it before I had heard of the word ‘Mesh’.

I lost the real me a long time ago and can’t find my way back to the person I once was because I no longer know how.

Sadly, I envy normal people who can make decisions and do whatever they choose, when they choose.

I miss taking a trip somewhere. Catching a plane, bus or train. Visiting my sisters in England, Laughing and reminiscing. Sight seeing. Enjoying visual things that used to make me feel alive.

Finally, I miss my sister Norma. It has been five months since she suddenly passed away, and for me it was a complete shock. I miss hearing her voice over the phone. I miss our chats about this and that, for a good hour, where we could both be the girls we once were.

I am surrounded by little things she sent to me for birthdays and Christmases, which sometimes make me smile, sometimes laugh and sometimes, tears spring to my eyes.  I am so glad I have so many memories of her, but I am still shocked by her loss.

On the morning of July 7th, 2019, I got up as normal. Made a cup of tea, for me and my daughter. When she left to work on our new home, I washed dishes and fed Lucky, one of our rescue dogs, who we have to separate from the other four.

It was a normal morning. A hot July morning outside, but cool inside. So, after I finished my chores, I went to sit in front of the computer and logged on to Facebook.

There were a few private messages as usual, but one was unusual, because it was from my nephew in England. He is the son of my eldest sister, Norma.  When I opened it, I felt frozen in disbelief? I imagine this was very hard for him to write, just as hard as it was for me to read. He stated he was very sorry to inform me that his mother had passed away suddenly around three in the morning. I simply could not believe what I read and all I could do was grab the phone and call him.

Although he arrived at their house, and had seen his mother after she died, he was also there to help his dad get through it all.  Neither of them knew why this had happened so suddenly.

Once I spoke to him, I called his Dad, who was stumbling through his own disbelief and told me how she had got up to go to the bathroom around 3 in the morning and he jumped out of bed, when he heard a bang. She had fallen and he comforted her, but she did not want him to call an ambulance. Events like this are a blur, but later I learned more from him, that the ambulance people told him there was nothing he could have done to save her.

It took a couple of weeks before they found out why had she died so suddenly, and this is the first time I have written about this. She died from an abdominal aorta aneurism. I had never heard of this, although I had heard of aneurism in the brain, so I looked it up on Google. The ambulance people were right, there was nothing her husband could have done to save her.  When I next called him, I told him about what I had read, because he felt like he should have done more.

My sister was seventy nine years old, a long life by some standards.  However, because she has been in my life for the seventy two years since my birth, we were always girls when we spoke over the phone.  Girls for a lifetime, with laughter and a sharing of things we both loved, which mainly came from our creativity.

This will be the first Christmas without her voice on the other end of the phone, when I call to wish her a Merry Christmas.  I truly miss her…

I have a hard time thinking she has died, so I keep hanging onto this vision of when she married in 1962, when she was twenty-two years old and I was fifteen. I know she is gone, but I still want to talk to her.

If you miss your sister, maybe this will help. https://psychcentral.com/lib/sibling-grief-losing-my-sister/

“Sibling grief is often referred to as forgotten grief, and classified as disenfranchised, feeling marginalized. The bulk of society’s attention is directed more to the loss of a child, spouse or parent. As such, often the sibling puts their grief on hold to support the surviving parent(s), and when left alone in their grief, may experience a loss of identity.”

If you wonder why I have a huge problem going outside, it was permanently caused by and I.V drug called Gentamicin.  Read this article.

When your balance system no longer works, it doesn’t just affect walking.  It affects every movement you make.


  1. Julia

    Check out the Bilateral Vestibular Hypofunction group.

    1. Linda (Post author)

      Thank you, I will.


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