My Fascia Sling Surgery Part Twenty-Two
It’s seven forty-five in the morning and I removed the catheter fifteen minutes ago. Now I wait and wonder. I hope I have got rid of the infection that began after I came home because it worries me that if not I will be back in the ER again. I have been there far too many times as of late and they know me well.
My bladder feels uncomfortable and that has me worried but there is nothing I can do until I see how things go. It usually takes an hour and a half to two hours to see what will happens after my bladder wakes up. Will it be so angry I am thrown into a flurry of agonizing spasms? That is the question I will wait for answers once again. I did not remove it early because if things don’t go well, I would have to wake my daughter and rush to the ER. Not a pleasant wakening for anyone so, I was patient and waited.
I used to have visions of a normal life, being able to urinate like I used to but these days when I remove the catheter, I have a wait and see attitude, hoping I don’t wind up in pain. Bladder spasms are very painful and when the bladder has slept awhile, it doesn’t like waking up. The catheter has been in me for a month now because I could not travel out to UCLA without one. Then Dr. Kim told me I had to keep it in two weeks after surgery. I have drunk piles of cranberry juice, taken the antibiotics and plenty of probiotics to try to stave away any results of antibiotic use. I know what to do by now and I do it all, but even then things don’t always go to my advantage. So I am learning to cope.
I hate the catheter and yet without it I would be dead. You have to be able to remove the waste from your body or you will become toxic. The very thing that helps me, also hurts me. I get constant infections when it is in me and often the discomfort I feel is miserable. Since the day I had bladder sling surgery in March of 2010, the catheter has been in me for a good part of my life. I always think maybe this time will be the last time.
I downed a glass of cranberry juice and took two marshmallow root capsules in order to calm my bladder as it begins to fill. Marshmallow root is my friend. Without it I often wonder what kind of mess I would have been in during all this time. I can’t prove what it does and I have no desire to. I just know it works.
There are thousands of women doing similar things as I am. I’m not unique by any means. The difference is, I tap my fears on a keyboard. However, my fears are also their fears.
So now I wait to see how this goes. I am surprisingly calm and collected. There are no expectations going through my head. I don’t know what will happen and I can’t change what does. Perhaps that is better for my mind. In fact I am sure it is. I just give myself over to what will be, will be…………….
I wrote the latter yesterday morning and then tried to be normal for the rest of the day. I did small things around the house that I knew would not compromise my healing. I allowed my small dog to climb on me after I protected myself with a big fat pillow. When he tired me out I moved through to the bedroom to rest and watch TV. I would like to say I forgot about the situation I am in but of course that is impossible. When I felt the urge I went to the bathroom and was rewarded with a dribble. I was disappointed. By lunchtime I self cathed and removed more than I had been able to do on my own. I wasn’t surprised, just disappointed.
I got through the day like this and then the evening. My bladder had stayed quiet which was a relief. I self cathed before I retired and knew I would be woken up when I was full. At 1.30 in the morning I felt stress. Bladder spasms began and self cath relieved it. It took awhile before I went back to sleep and I awoke again at 3.30 am. More spasms. More self cath. I managed to go back to sleep until 8 am and then it happened again. Time to get up and self cath.
During the day my bladder is calmer. It is night when I make the most urine and the tide of events begin. Right now I have to work at teaching my bladder not to be so overactive at night. I managed it before without any drugs but it takes awhile and some work. Plus right now I am only two weeks past the last surgery and I am still healing.
The result of this surgery doesn’t look promising. But I know now I have to leave well alone and learn to live with it while I heal. I am tired of surgeries and tired of doctor’s appointments. If I can I will try to heal by doing the best possible plan of supplements and vitamins in complete regiment.
I’m not complaining. Not seeking sympathy. I am learning that you can’t always fix things and to keep trying can make things far worse. We don’t see the results of all this when it comes to the inside of our bodies. This isn’t plastic surgery gone wrong. Everything that is messed up is hidden from view. We look perfectly fine on the outside. We look normal. But sadly many of us are not.
It will be another four weeks until I can sit more comfortably and when I can I want to put the things back into my life that make me feel happy. I will go back to designing hats and begin to rebuild my business that has taken a large decline over the past year. I will be limited in what I can do away from the house because of self cath but I find solace in my own home. However as I heal I may see improvement and may be able to leave the house more than four hours. The future isn’t in my sight and I can’t predict.
For the next month learning how to make my life workable will take a lot of concentration. As with anything new, it takes time and you can’t rush it. But that is okay. Slow and easy is something I have been forced to learn.
This will be the last post about my own issues until time when I either know things have improved. I am forever hopeful………………