Less of a Woman Because of Mesh
This morning I am waiting on phone calls. I may be waiting for a long time because I am not sure anyone knows what to do to help me with my care. Those who could help me, may not want to, so I wait by the phone.
They say a watched pot never boils. But I don’t have a choice but to wait and watch.
I wrote an update yesterday and believe me I felt so far down, I was not sure I could ever get back up again. Last night I spent a very long night with little sleep because my bladder has so many issues right now. Infection is the worse side of mesh complications because antibiotics stop working. Many of us become allergic to some and doctors want to throw their hands up and make out like having these allergic reactions is impossible. They force us to go back over the reactions we just want to set aside and forget. But we never can………
This morning I wrote down exactly what those reactions I had when taking certain drugs and sent them to Dr. Kim. It was after an early morning conversation when she called me to let me know it was difficult because she was thousands of miles away and she was not sure what to give me to help with this infection. Right now I don’t even know what I am dealing with. Today is Friday and a culture was done on Monday in the ER. I called the hospital lab early this morning to make sure they would fax the results to Dr Kim and my PCP. (Personal Care Physician) I then began the long arduous task of trying to find another urologist who will help me and not be prejudice against mesh complications. Right now I do not know if this is possible.
Dr. Kim suggested I seek a urologist in a large teaching hospital in Houston. Guess what! This same teaching hospital is where the mesh was put in me in March of 2010. Does she really believe urologists will not be prejudice? I am no longer that naive. I’ve learned the hard way.
Once again I am facing a weekend and my only option left is to go to the ER again later today if I don’t get any help. Dr. Kim said I should have IV antibiotics but what and how much? I don’t have the answers yet. So I wait, chained to a phone as my life line of support.
I am tired of living on a roller coaster. Tired of defending myself against my terrible health issues all because of medical mesh. I told Dr. Kim in an email this morning I am not a nutcase. I want to get well and frankly I never want to see a doctor again. I don’t need attention like this. I want my busy designer life back again but I don’t know how to get it. I want to be ME………… Not the mesh messed up me……………..
During my crisis I still answer emails and comments here on this blog. Sometimes I find it very hard, particularly when fighting for my own health, but I do my best. Sometimes I have to leave things alone for a day or two because I find I have no energy left for other women. I know though that many are suffering in the worst way and I don’t have all the answers they want. I don’t even have my own answers.
A couple of days ago when a few of us were sharing our miseries, we also try to joke about some of this to break through the utter devastation of mesh. These women were trying hard to help me get through my recent mesh ongoing crisis. This was how the conversation went. Yes part of it is ignorance of others and part of what we deal with is that it is easier for those around us to shut their eyes rather than face mesh hell. I do understand and I wish I could. Here are a few lines for you to read.
We had had a conversation abut valium suppositories for painful vagina spasms and nerve damage. We are trying to put information together to help women who are in one of the worst kind of nerve damage hell and when we have enough research I will post it here. It is hard to find out if these things work and it takes time and help from women who try various things.
“A good laugh for all of you. When I mentioned to someone about vaginal spasms, her comment was, “Isn’t that kind of orgasmic?” Hope this gives you a chuckle. I wanted to say, “Hell, no!”
A reply; “Well, that would be the only orgasmic thing happening to me these days. A friend wanted to fix me up and I asked her if the guy was into no breasts, half a vagina, some fecal incontinence and probably cancer brewing. What a prize I am!”
I replied to her; “You know what. You are a great prize because it is nothing to do with your body. We will always be here.”
This lady is a widow and has been through so much surgery because of mesh. You all heard the recent story about Angelina Jolie. Well this happens to many hard working women who try to fight their cancer by having body parts removed and mesh is used to put them together. The result is disastrous and fighting cancer is only then part of their issues. She had it all removed, but the effects on her health has left her with many more fears and problems. I want to cry for her.
Each of us understands that we cannot imagine what a proper relationship is any more. We don’t think it is possible to be involved in one because we struggle through each and every day at a time trying to get well and stay well.
So the question of the day is “Are we less of a woman because of mesh?” Mentally we know we aren’t but physically we do not feel like the whole woman we once were. That has been taken away from us.
I will now go back to watching the pot boil. I hope I have answers today………….