Mesh & Men’s Anger

I really do wish I could reach out to the men who care for women through mesh complications and surgery and let them know more often that they do deserve to be acknowledged.  I know they are in pain themselves.  The pain of losing the vibrant women they fell in love with to a woman who is now ill all the time and is often moody because of extreme pain.  They struggle working all the time to keep their livelihood and they have to work long hours and pay non-stop medical bills without end.  Then they go home to help children do homework, clean the house, cook the meals often without hugs and no sex at all.  Yes, they deserve to be acknowledged.  They deserve to hear “it will all end when this mesh stuff is removed from her body”, but no one can promise that.

I received a comment from a man who is feeling the drain on his life and is getting very tired.  He is angry and wants a guarantee that all his money and his hard work will be for something when his wife has mesh removal within a couple of weeks.  You can read his comment here and feel his sadness and anger but before you read it remember he lost everything he knew was right in his world.  Now it has been ripped apart.  I posted a reply and I asked a couple of women to respond with a positive comment because I knew how grateful they are to have the mesh removed from their bodies.  If you are doing well from removal surgery by Dr. Raz and want to send him a big hug, please go there and let him know some of us without terrible nerve damage are doing well.  I wish I could tell him that I am that woman, but I did explain why my situation is ongoing.  I am one of the unlucky ones but many women do get well.  Reads those comments here.

http://meshangels.com/2012/11/mesh-removal-aftercare

I also replied again telling him we need men like him to fight this battle.  We need men who are not afraid to use their names and speak out about what has happened to their lives.  Financial losses.  Home life deterioration.  The loss of the love of their life.  Children who still need caring for.  We need men on the battle field to stand up and say this has happened.  Yes, they can be angry, but like us we have to find a way to deal with that anger.  So some of us stand up and tell the world this is a nightmare of living hell.  If you are a man reading this and you wish to write your story from a man’s point of view either using your name or anonymously, I will post it for you.   Your story matters just as much as the women who are injured.  You did not deserve this any more than the women who are suffering.

Please if you do write, write on calm days.  Write about a day in your life dealing with the suffering you see in your love and how you cope.  You do matter.  I am grateful men still follow along with the vows they speak on the day they married.

I met three of these men when I went out to UCLA for my removal surgery.  Steadfast husbands who you could see loved their wives dearly but they had to hide their tears so that someone remained strong for their women.  I thought about my own husband who died in 2004.  He would have been such a man had he lived long enough to watch me deal with my pain.

So to ALL the men out there who work hard every day and then come home to wives and children to care for, I say “Thank you”.  We need far more men like you in this world and even though I may not know you, I appreciate who you are.

I posted a very moving blog written by a young woman who found such a man after she was injured by mesh.  I sent her a link to the blog which follows this one.

Here is her reply.
“My husband and I met a month before everything got really bad. One of our first few dates ended up in the hospital. I thought for sure that he would leave. Instead he held my hand through the curtain while doctors forced the catheter in… He is amazing. When a man says in sickness and in health at the alter in his vows, knowing that sickness is here and now. It is a true testimony of his love.  And he accepted my oldest daughter as his own too.”

Great guy…………

7 Comments

  1. teri white

    i have been married for 23 yrs,to the most wonderful man God ever made.through this nitemare he has been my one and only constant.he too has had to deal with the physical aspects of the obtape.i told him not to go there,but u know men,they gotta do what they gotta do.befor the sling was placed,i had a pretty good life three beautiful,healthy sons,nice home ,automobiles ,boats,atv’s,2 financially sound businesses,insurance ,surrounded by a wonderful family and soooooooooo many friends.now all i have is this black hole.the pain won’t allow me to live.nothing could have prepared me for the absolute hell i have indured the last 8 yrs.as u probley can tell,i am not to computer savey.I owned and directed a childcare cntr. for 27 yrs.i loved it like it was one of my babies,just like everything else,i had to let it go.my body just couldn’t do it.
    i sought help through a group of attorneys and in the end i was raped again, lawyers see money signs when a crisis appears.wouldn’t it be nice if the goverment stepped in like they did during the bp spill,asign blame and demanded restatution.if the government had done their job,i would not be sitting here sharing my misery with complete strangers.

    Reply
  2. Arthur

    Let me just start by saying that I am a concerned husband to a woman that I love very much. We have been married for more than 30 years.
    This past fall, she started to see a new primary doctor, who she expressed concerns of her hx of urinary leakage. Apparently it had been going on for at least 4 years. Referral was made to a Mesa , Arizona Gyn, who she was able to get into within 2 weeks.

    Being in the healthcare profession(a nurse) for 24 years, I had heard of the litigation that companies and doctor were being sued for placement of bladder slings and mesh in women. I talked to my wife at length, even before we went to to for her initial appt. I had told her of several blogs and warning sites that I had checked into. I expressed to her all my concerns and that I didn’t want her to suffer any of these problems brought on by slings or mesh placements in women. I told her even before we went to his office that I was almost sure that he would recommend a hysterectomy(he did), that he would recommend some kind of vaginal wall repair, (again he did cause she has a rectocele and cystocele.) Upon his recommendations, about the only thing that she got out of what I told her was no mesh kits are to be placed. The Gyn in question told her that he would do the “old fashion repair” on the vaginal walls, and that he recommended a miniarc sling. I told him that this was just another version of a sling. He assured me that he has placed hundreds of these and that he has had a 96% sucess rate with this particular sling. I question his sucess rate, however, I don’t have any names to check this out with.
    In the weeks that followed, I took her in for hydrodynamic testing, and again his recommendations were the same. I have trying vigorousily to get my wife to change her mind about this surgery because I have had the unforgetable pleasure of having to treat women at my respected jobs who had a a sling either fail after as little as a year to have to have intervaginal abscesses drained due to infection with theses meshes and slings.
    I have told my wife that this could happen to her and that I am more worried about her life and could careless if she has a little leakage or not. I have told her that I would take her anyway I could have her, and that when I look at her, all I see is the girl I fell in love with so long ago. However, nothing I say seems to deter her from her determination not to leak anymore! I understand that incontinence can be embarrassing, but is it worth your health or life?

    Everytime I talk to her recently, it results in a fight, which I have gotten to the point that “why bother”. I am worried about what the long term impact could have on the health, and everytime I express this to her, she tells me, ” Your a nurse! You should know at this are everyday procedures that women have done, and they come out fine!”.

    I love my wife, and don’t want to see anything happen to her or our lives. I say our lives, as she is everything to me, but obviousily doesn’t care enough to be mindful of this. I don’t know what to do. Surgery is scheduled for 2 days after Christmas a Gilbert, Arizona hospital. I guess I will enjoy whatever time we can together before she risk her health and well being for a “little urine”. I don’t know what else to say to her and despite the fact I am totally against her surgery,(the surgeon said he would not use mesh, but better be aware if she has problems and it shows up on a scan, I will sue him.) I went with her on all her office visits an study after study that I found on the internet about this particular sling and it’s fail rate , her surgeon still had the nodascity to tell me ” I’m aware of that study, but my sucess rate has been 96%” What should I do? I don’t want her to make what could be the biggest life changing mistake of her life, but I am warn out from all the fights and argurments and have somewhat taken that attitude, maybe she just needs to learn the hard way. Problem is, I will pay for that lesson as well.

    Reply
    1. lavalinda

      Arthur, I so wish I could help you with this but the only way I can is to tell you that you are RIGHT! The sling you speak of causes just as many complications as all of the others and I just had a woman tell me she has been trying to help her sister with 3 years of this. She lives in Texas and I do not know if she will talk to your wife, but I will try to get her to. Here is the thing. You are in the perfect State NOT to do mesh. There is a doctor trained by Dr. Raz his name is Christian Twiss and he is removing mesh like crazy that has injured women. I am just about to write a blog about how good he is because one of my lady helpers decided to be my guinea pig. Sounds bad but she wanted to find out how good he was and now she is praising his success at removing it. So she is writing her experience now and we will post a blog. This is him http://surgery.arizona.edu/faculty-profile/christian-o-twiss-md Please keep trying to help your wife, but perhaps print this out and leave it for her. She may be feeling you are trying to control her, not help her. I am going to eail you my phone number now. I SO wish you luck.
      I just realized. Keep scrolling down at these other comments and you will see the comment from Eliza who wants to help her sister. She was asking about a Dr. Hull she had been referred to. I will send her an email.

      Reply
  3. DebC

    Arthur,

    Did you mean a Monarc sling? That is what I had put in me just last Feb 2012. I am 46, and can now hardly walk and am in constant pain. I had NO problems walking or with pain before the sling. I had moderate SUI, which was a bother, but was nothing compared to what I’m dealing with now. AND, there ARE alternatives and traditional surgeries they can do WITHOUT mesh (See Linda’s post here: http://teapapers.com/bladdersling/2012/07/non-mesh-bladder-repair-surgery/)

    I am now waiting to fly across the country to go to Dr. Raz at UCLA for mesh removal, after months of trying to get help locally I decided this was my best and only real option. I will get this mesh removed, finally, 11 months after it was put in… and I can only hope that I will not have serious permanent damage.

    The Monarc is KNOWN for causing leg/groin/hip pain (http://www.meshsurgeons.com/complications-tot.php)… and is made by AMS which IS one of the MAIN manufacturers being sued. Even if it wasn’t Monarc, there are so many problems with all different kinds of mesh happening. The FDA warning from July 2011 does NOT name a specific brand or type of mesh. It warns against all of it… stating “complications are NOT rare”. What it doesn’t tell you is just how serious those complications are, and how difficult it is to find help. I have connected with lots of other women, on blogs, and Facebook groups dedicated to mesh complications. Trust me, she does NOT want the kinds of problems Mesh causes.

    Please try to get your wife to read my story – it’s posted here: http://meshmedicaldevicenewsdesk.com/patient-profiles/deb-c-suffering-stress-incontinence-mesh-injuring-women-too/, and/or other women’s stories there… and on this wonderful blog. Please keep trying to talk to her. She needs to research this on her own, and if she does it won’t take her long to find all the lawsuits and horror stories. At the very least, IF she does go ahead with the surgery and (God forbid) has problems, at least she won’t be able to say she had no idea like most women. I WISH I knew one 10th of what I know now beforehand.

    Reply
    1. Arthur

      Deb,
      It is the Mini arc precise, which is not to say it is any better or safer. When we went to see her doctor the first time, he showed us the demonstration model he had in his office. Problem is , and I told my wife and showed her off the internet, where AMS Mini arc sling is getting sued for as much as the other . I know that the FDA has talked about type 3 these medical devices, which from her initial consultation to now, I was hoping the Washington would act. However, as every other thing that Washington has screw up, (our national budget for example) they are slow to act, and refuse to accept responsiblity for these devises getting out on the market. Furthermore, it was THEIR 501 shortcut loophole that allowed OB/GYN’s and GYN specialist to place these things in women in the first place. I am still trying to talk with her. However, like I said in my first blog, everytime I do, it results in an argument. I know in my heart, that if something goes wrong, we are both going to pay for it. If she should have any of the complications that you have had, and I am SORRY from the bottom of my heart you have suffered as the result of your doctor, if would surely impact her life from her bowling to family outings, etc. Like I said, I am still trying to talk with her, and have shown her many blogs and stories of women who have been injuried, some permanantily. I don’t know what else to do. I love her, and would never think of leaving her if the worst was to happen. However, because I do work in healthcare, I have seem how one catatophic illness or condition can not only break a family, it can finanacial ruin them. I will try to get her to read the blogs you and other have sent. She is suppose to go see this doctor this up coming Friday. Though I have been warned by her not to start anything in his office, I am almost tempted to threaten him with a lawsuit up front if anything happens to her. Many he might drop her as a surgery client knowing this.

      Reply
  4. lavalinda

    Arthur I am so sorry this is happening, but I will tell you this. Sometimes whatever we do the result is out of our hands because we are all adults. The very fact that you go with your wife still is amazing because most men would wash their hands on this.
    She will need support for years if she has any complications, and we now know the complications rate could be 30% or higher because believe it or not, most women have not reported their complications to the FDA even though they have a lawyer. They assume the doctor or the lawyer will do it. So the amount of women is not being properly counted.
    You should also be aware that there are so many symptoms of complications I refuse to list them because I can’t keep up with them and may leave some out. Her doctor may not abandon her but he will convince her on every visit it is NOT the mesh. He is obviously a very persuasive doctor. Then he will pass her on to other doctors for problems that do not exist, to get her out of his office. I had a long conversation just last night with one woman and regardless that all the pain is coming from her stomach, her doctor says she needs a rheumatologist. Make any sense? Hell no, but they do this all the time.
    All you can do is give her the information and let it go and hope she will not do it. We do not want her to do it because we are tired of our own suffering and that of other women. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and hope that even at the last minute she will change her mind.

    Reply
  5. Dawn

    Arthur , I pray you can get your wife to listen !! I was 44 when I had the Monarc sling put in me.. I never felt right from the moment I awoke from surgery. This polypropylene material is so harmful.. I understand your wife’s frustrations but she needs to know her life may become a living HELL ! I believe if they could really take a true poll the complication rates would be more around 90%… Nobody knows the true numbers..The risks are just to great… Most women out there probably don’t even realize why they feel so awful. I thought I was going crazy.. I was always so healthy and until the day I saw the lawyer commercial on tv I was going to Dr.’s multiple times. I reached my insurance deductible within 4 months.. I have racked up 49,000 in bills in one year alone and that does not even include the removal surgery I just had done at UCLA in October .. I am sure by the time it’s all said and done it will be close to 150,000.00 … Thank GOD I have insurance !!! I want to scream from the highest mountain , don’t ever get medical mesh made of polypropylene put in you !!!! It stole 3 years of my life . My surgery removal was suppose to be relatively easy. On a 1-10 scale I was told I was around a 2… I awoke from surgery and was told once she got in me vaginally she was unable to get to the ends of the mesh sling on both sides of my groin because the mesh had attached itself to my pelvic bones.:( that is the risk your wife does not want.. And I consider myself one of the lucky ones, my complications are mild compared to other mesh sufferers.. I am now 4 weeks post surgery, I feel great. I saw my ob/gyn here and he asked me what I would tell women who are having stress urinary incontinence … I looked him straight in the eyes and told him I would rather pee my pants and wear a diaper for the rest of my life than to put that piece of mesh back in my body !!! Good luck in convincing her. If she has it put in I pray she is one of the lucky ones. Or in her Dr.’s case not one of the 4% er’s ..

    Reply

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