My Break Time for Surgery
Please note; If you Just found this blog, I will have mesh removal surgery Oct 11th 2012 at UCLA, performed by Dr. Raz. Please do not send emails until I am back writing because no one will answer them. You can however leave comments here, and a lady will guide you to a blog to help you, or get you in touch with someone who can help you. If you would like a private response, you can ask her to email you. (She will be able to see your email when you post your comment, but your email is not visible to the public unless you post it in the body/message of your comment itself.) This lady is also a mesh sufferer with a full time job & family, so please do not expect an immediate reply. I appreciate your patience and understand your suffering.
It is so strange to note that back on June the 5th this year when I went to Dr. Raz at UCLA, it was a big deal. Like every woman out there I harbored fears that he could not help me and I would be left this way the rest of my life. I had spent a lot of money that was hard to find on a ‘wing and a prayer’. Invested in a doctor I did not know. I was rewarded. First by his powerful words “It is the mesh and I can remove it” and then by a date for removal surgery. I came home. Then I realized I had to get through the next few months the best I could. There were days when I wondered if I could wait that long. Days of immense pain and days of immense anger. But, somehow I got through it. Tomorrow I will fly to what I hope will be a new and improved life.
When you go through something like this everything is surreal. Making a decision to go out of State is huge. You can’t make that decision ‘just like that’. You have to mull it over and change your mind more than once. Then you make the plane and hotel reservations, that cannot be cancelled or you will lose that ‘so needed’ money. It’s scary. I had a long time to wait, so I did what was best. I put it out of my mind while I continued living the life I had got used to. Doing what I could every day and accepting the fact I could do no more. Struggling on days when the pain doesn’t let you think and carefully rejoicing on the days that were not so bad. And I made it through.
The last month has been the hardest. I am a designer and that is what keeps me going when all else fails. However, this past month I could not concentrate, so I had to let go the one precious thing that gets me through the day. To get through those hours, I answered emails from suffering women. Wrote blogs that couldn’t stay in my head. Every time I heard another sad story I thought I had better put it down so that women could find the information. To understand her particular symptoms are not in her head. Then I realized women needed hope. When asked why I made the decision to fly from Texas to California to have surgery, I had to explain. You cannot listen to hundreds of women, learn their stories of suffering as they have one partial removal surgery after another. You learn by it. You know that you first have to do what is best for your own situation and then spread the word to others. You can’t keep it to yourself when you know the truth. My blog became the bearer of truth, good or bad. Like it or not, except it or not, women had to know what I know. I had no choice in this matter.
The past couple of weeks I went back over some of the worse cases of women who contacted me over the past two years. The women who were so seriously ill, they would die a slow and painful death had they not made the choice to fly out to UCLA. These women have thanked me over and over. They say “Thank you for saving my life”. I know the truth. I didn’t save their life, they did. I gave them information provided to me by other women. They did whatever it took to take the steps to a better future. Not a perfect future, but a better future. They did the best they could with what they had. I am gratified to have been able to give this information. Grateful to the women who shared with me.
Lately I have written a couple of stories of women who are living again. Not staring at a ceiling from their beds and praying to die. They are back with their families and taking one day at a time to a new life. No there are no guarantees with mesh. No promises that you will be the person you once were. Live the life you once lived. Only the idea that life could be better for you.
That is what I am now doing. I’m working on a better future for myself. I have great hope and of course great fear as I head out across the country for a surgery that holds both promise and uncertainty. But, I have to go. I have to take that chance. Only you can make such a decision. Only you can use any strength you have left to do the best for yourself. It isn’t selfish. It is your life.
With Love, support and great hope.